My Thanksgiving

Thankful am I that we have a God who is loving, merciful, generous beyond measure, and forgiving.  And, most thankful am I that we have a God who likes to express that love through humanity, in community, in congregation.

After our daughter was born, the townhouse we had bought in 2007 suddenly became a huge burden.  My wife and I recognized that with both of us working and thus needing daycare, we would be losing several hundreds of dollars each month.  Our home value had dropped almost in half, so we couldn’t rent it, and our choice for my wife to not resume full-time work made everything more urgent.  She spent months applying for loan modifications, getting denied each and every time.  Meanwhile, I was battling some really difficult strongholds.  I felt that God had truly blessed us with this, our “first home”, and that I had somehow fallen short, that I had not been a good steward of this gift.  I was determined to hold on, no matter what.  It was God’s blessing right, how could we let it go?

More slowly than I’d like to admit, I uncovered that my “good stewardship” was really just “deep stubbornness,” and that my biggest fear, even over disappointing God, was looking bad to those around me.  What kind of man was I, that I would let our home slip through our fingers right after the birth of our first child?  

Thankful am I that God started to whisper in that darkness.  I started praying with friends, really opening up to several, opening up my Bible.  I remembered that my real treasures are not made of plaster and stairs and brick and carpet, but in relationship, in heart, in trust.  And, almost immediately after surrendering the fears and self-scorn, we decided we needed to surrender the house, and we felt a groundswelling of hope and relief.  I was blind, but then I saw.

Friends of friends at our church, some we'd never had so much as a conversation together, helped us find a place, helped us to move.  Dwellers bent over backwards to help us pack and pick up the piano, to bind up the materials of our life.  When all our “stuff” was hidden within brown cardboard cubes, I looked up and saw this motley crew of a moving team laughing, singing, talking about work, asking me where this should go.  God’s love showered upon me through friends wielding Sharpie pens, tape rolls, and an occasional break to dance the Macarena.

My greatest fear was judgment, was looking bad to my peers and community.  What we got, instead, was only love.  And this: when you turn your heart on to being thankful, truly thankful, it can spread like a wildfire within, burning out those dead trees, clearing a path for something new, generating new heat and new light.  The world tells me that in 2011, we lost.  Okay, maybe.   But, miraculously, I feel thanksgiving.  Thankful was I for the young married couple that hung in through the long short-sale process, meaning we didn’t have to foreclose in the end.  Thankful was I to be vacuuming that empty house to get it ready for them, which would become their first-ever home.  Thankful was I that we lived there for 4 years with great memories.  The time to live there was over, but we had most definitely not lost.  We entered as 2, now there are 3 of us.  That’s addition, not subtraction.  And when I think of all the folks that came together to help, I realize it’s multiplication.

Thankful am I that we have a God who is loving, merciful, generous beyond measure, and forgiving.  And, most thankful am I that we have a God who likes to express that love through the willing hearts and hands of people broken people like you, like me, like all of us.


Peace through the love of Jesus,
Matthew

Among the Brave, by Isaiah

Another day has passed, and I can honestly say  “I belong here.”  It’s been over month since I moved to Hollywood, California [and since I last posted a blog].  Life has been crazy.

I write you from the discomfort of my hot, dusty room and I apologize that it has taken me so long to get you any sign of life from me. I have been extremely exhausted lately and a couple of times I have felt myself on the verge of getting sick. I am emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically stressed but I am slowly getting the hang of it and I know that soon enough it will become… well… “normal.”_______________

Chapter Uno:

I work with an organization called PATH [People Assisting the Homeless] for the Hollywood Navigation Team. As an Outreach Case Manager Intern my job involves 1) Going out through the cities of Hollywood and West Hollywood doing Outreach (handing out lunches, hygiene kits, and building relationships with those experiencing homelessness, etc.), 2) finding shelter for clients who follow the right procedures, 3) manage their case and ultimately navigate them to permanent housing- whether subsidized or unsubsidized.

Early Wednesday morning, my housemate, Jenn and I got picked up by our boss, Rudy, on what we like to call “the PATHmobile!” Our task for the day was to assist the LAPD on their'Clean-up Task Force' in partnership with the Department of Sanitation. The police officers thought it would be appropriate to bring PATH Outreach into this effort so that we could offer services to any homeless people that were encountered. Some of the people I encountered were reluctant to cooperate and were then taken into custody of the LAPD through a warrant. Some were able to avoid us and/or the police officers and remained off the radar. Others were willing to go into shelter and did not refuse services. One of the clients, “Hopeful” I will call him, caught my attention while conversing. He seemed desperate and wanted as much help as he could get. Hopeful is in his late 50’s and he has recently been struggling with depression and alcoholism. “I love you guys,” he said in a soft voice with tears in his eyes “I love you guys for doing this.” “We love you too,” said one of my colleagues, “but you don’t love yourself.” He closed his wrinkly eyes and shook his head no. Hopeful expressed that he was willing to take small steps towards getting his life back on track and that even though he didn’t have much hope, he trusted all of those who were willing to help him. Hopeful stole my heart today so I decided to volunteer to work on his case. When I first saw him he was pushing a stroller around with all of his possessions, and now he is in our shelter at PATH Hollywood.   

I felt very encouraged by all of my co-workers that day. When I got to the office later in the afternoon some of them told me they were hearing stories about me. They said I had been on the field working “some magic” on clients. Everyone was impressed- even my director and I was just amused by people’s reactions to something so small. Here is why: 

Earlier in the day we encountered a client who has always refused services. The 21 year-old has been approached multiple times by different people within PATH and in different agencies in many different occasions. The client was wearing torn clothing and carried himself in a way that made it seem like he had just come out of a building that collapsed. It was obvious that he had mental issues by the way he acted when we approached him and by the things we noticed he did as we watched him from afar. He had crossed the street many times without watching for traffic (which in LA especially is NOT a very god idea.), and he would spit out food and put it back on his mouth from the floor continually. In my mind, he looked like the face of poverty. The only people who were usually able to talk to him was some Officers with the LAPD. Then today… he talked to me. I don’t know what I did… probably nothing. The client might have felt a bit more comfortable to talk to me because I was younger than all the others and maybe I didn’t seem like much of a threat. I was able to communicate a bit with him. He was very polite, but he talked in a whisper and I could tell that my voice was not the only one he wa hearing at the moment. I offered him a lunch and he took it. I sat next to him as he ate the half he wasn’t planning on saving for later. I then noticed that he had no socks on and I happened to be carrying a hygiene kit with socks in it. I offered him the hygiene kit and told him that it had socks in it but that he could also keep the bag (a gym bag) so that he could put all of his belongings in it. He didn’t have much but what he did have he put it in his pants pockets and since those were torn, it kind of looked like a hot air balloon’s sand packs around his waist. I can’t quite explain it. The moment that made me realize I was actually doing something to move his case forward was when he put the bag on his back. Although his eyes remained distant, he exposed his teeth in a huge smile that lasted about 4 seconds. I almost missed it. It was that smile that reminded me that I was at the right place at the right time.

I know that there are many more smiles to come and I am eager to work with more clients and to help them reach their goals. It was very encouraging to me because the past few weeks I have been dreading going to work. I was initially going to be part of the Outreach Team which only involved the outreach part of the navigation process but then it all started changing and that’s when I arrived. I came in as everything was shifting around and nobody was sure on how to train the new interns because they hadn’t quite figured out how to do the job themselves. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I was getting sick of going to work just to sit at a desk or to follow people around. I had started questioning my purpose in this place in time. Things are slowly falling in to place and hopefully in a few weeks I will feel like part of the team as an equal, and not as the kid who is standing in the way of their daily duties. 

Thursday even looked even more like one of my co-worker’s normal days. I did an intake and got a new client and I replied to emails, scheduled appointments, and met with clients. I think it’s going to be ok. ____________________________________________________________

Chapter Dos: 

This part I will explain mostly in pictures. 

We run a community house called "La Casa de la Communidad" which is directly attached to the front of the house we live in. For the first hour the kids from the community can come and do their homework and study and we help them as best we can. We tutor the kids with whatever they need tutoring and if they do not need anything they can usually come and small games, read a book, or use one of the coloring books. La Casa is open on Tuesdays (6-8pm), Thursdays (5-7pm), and on Sundays (3-6pm). The second hour we try to have a planned activity for the children/community such as sports, dance, crafts, arts, cooking, music, etc. 

Looking spiffy before the Young Life Gala

Life has been pretty stressful. I think most of us have had a moment where we either break down crying, when we want to quit, or when we just want to run away. It can very very stressful. We all have different personalities, habits, ideas, quirks, etc. and when you put them all in a box it can be pretty crazy. 

We have had to deal with a lot of conflict resolution but it's normal. 

At the end of the day we all love each other (I think/hope). I personally have been struggling a lot to open up to them about my feelings and what is going on through my mind because it can be very intimidating to open up to such a large/diverse group of people especially when there is so much going on during the week.

Most Mondays we have a community day and during the prayer time we share something we need prayer for and something we are grateful for and.... it can be hard for me to share but I am learning to be more vulnerable- not just for my sake but for the sake of building up our small community. 

At Forest Homes Retreat

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I conclude by saying- honestly, that I have grown a lot as person in general. I have matured in so many different ways in my spiritual walk and in my general walk in life. I have been broken down and pieced back together so many times that I do not feel like I am the same person I was a month ago. I can see the face of God in the people here and I can see his mighty hand working in so many different ways.  I have seen a whole other side to humanity through the homeless population and it is truly changing my life. 

I belong here.